They have realistic expectations in a relationship and take ownership of their feelings. Secure people feel secure and comfortable with intimacy.
The trick is in being skilfully dependent and to do so with a “secure” partner.Īttachment theory suggests that people fall into one of three attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant (a very small numer of people fall into a fourth category called the “anxious-avoidant”). A lot of co-dependency literature suggests that we should take responsibility for our feelings and that taking responsibility for others feelings may lead to ‘enmeshment’. While I still maintain that you should learn to meet your own needs, this book also taught me that being needy is normal. After all, who wants to be “needy” right? When you stop taking responsibility for others feeling, you might end up believing that everyone can independently meet their emotional needs. This has been one of the most important lessons of my life. We should not take responsibility to make someone feel better. Doing so, for instance when trying to please someone, can be a recipe for suffering. With fascinating psychological insight, quizzes and case studies, Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller help you understand the three attachment styles, identify your own and recognize the styles of others so that you can find compatible partners or improve your existing relationship.In my podcast, I have often said that we cannot control someone else’s feelings. Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment explains that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:Īnxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back.Īvoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
Heller reveal how an understanding of attachment theory - the most advanced relationship science in existence today - can help us find and sustain love. Is there a science to love? In this groundbreaking book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel S. 'A groundbreaking book that redefines what it means to be in a relationship.' - John Gray, PhD., bestselling author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus An insightful look at the science behind love, Attached offers readers a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections.
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